Yesterday Robin Williams was found dead. He suffered many years from depression. I wonder how many times he had someone say the words, "what do you have to be depressed about?".
I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. Three words that boils down to one thing I have depression. This means that sometimes I can't tell you why I don't feel like talking or going out of the house. This means that sometimes it is impossible for me to be in a crowd of people. It also means that I suffer from major attacks of anxiety. When I am in a crowd sometimes I have to just get away from everyone for a few minutes. It makes it hard to go out in public to grocery shop, buy clothes, attend family functions, visit with friends or go to church. I fight with this problem every day, hour, minute and second of my life. I take medication that helps me get through the day to day things that most people take for granted. Yes, you will see me out smiling, laughing and it seems that I am having a really good time shopping and visiting with a crowd of friends. I do like to see my friends and family. But inside I am sometimes screaming that I need to get away and be alone. I spend somedays crying for no reason while putting up dishes or washing clothes. There are times when I need to go to the store or the doctor that I will look for reasons not to go. Can I explain to you why I feel this way? No. I can't explain it and most doctors can't explain it. I wasn't always this way and no one knows what really triggered it. It started many years ago and has gotten so bad I am unable to hold a job. I also get angry and have very little patience.
The most upsetting question I ever get when I tell someone I suffer from depression is the one above. What do I have to be depressed about? Believe me if I knew what I was depressed about I would be jumping up and down to fix it. This is not a fun way to live. I have asked myself many times why? I mean I have a wonderful husband and family. I have amazing friends. I love where I live. We have plenty to eat and clothes to wear, cars to drive. What do I have to be depressed about? There are many people that struggle and suffer everyday. I give God thanks for the many blessings He has given me. What do I have to be depressed about? I have given everything to God to handle because this is bigger than me, bigger than medication, bigger than oils, bigger than anything I can do or my doctors can do to fix.
I have kept this hidden for many years, from many people. I hope if you leave a comment it will be kind or please don't leave one. I have heard all of it before. I have been told I am just lazy, that there is no reason to cry, there is no reason to be afraid to go out of the house or to get upset in crowds. I promise if you can come up with a cure there are thousands of people just like me that would like you to contact the media and get attention for the cure. So far there is no cure. We all live day to day mostly in silence and hope when the day comes to an end it wasn't wasted worrying, crying or missing out on something important because we couldn't stand to walk out the door. I'm tired most days because it takes so much out of me just to function day to day. I try to lead a normal life.
If any of this sounds like you, please tell someone. Get help. There are so many resources and all you have to do is reach out. It isn't easy but life is worth living even on the hard days. Those days will pass and good days will come around again.
Be Blessed,
Tammy
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